One of the hardest things in any human to human exchange is to say, “no” appropriately. An appropriate “no” is an honest and considerate refusal to a request. Some people can be very direct with their “no,” regardless of how it affects the receiver. Others can’t seem to say no in any situation. These people will often over commit themselves or they take a passive aggressive approach and say, “yes” even when they mean, “no.” This buys them time to figure out a way to change their answer in the future.
Regardless of whether you find it difficult to say, “no” or find it too easy to say, “no,” it’s good to learn HOW to say, “no.” Let’s look at a few techniques.
The direct “no” is fine, provided you’re considerate of the feelings of the receiver. If the person asked a simple yes-or-no question, “no” may be a good, concise response. But if there’s an expectation or a need involved, your “no” may be better received if you expand on it using a reflective or reasoned “no.”
A reflective “no” simply reflects the other person’s words and feeling prior to saying, “no.” This tells the other person that you heard & understand them. A reflective “no” is good when there’s a sensitive relationship between you & the other person. An example is, “You really need me to work the car wash on Saturday, but I have a prior commitment. I just can’t do it this weekend.”
A reasoned “no” softens the blow by offering a reason for the “no,” but is straightforward. For example, “No, I can’t go with you to eat sushi tonight because I have a class meeting.”
A rain check “no” opens the door to an alternate time. An example would be, “I’d love to go with you tonight, but I can’t. I’m free next Tuesday, though.”
The best “no” response when the requester is persistent is the broken record “no.” This answer is a “mantra” that is repeated every time the request is made. This is an excellent “no” to use if you’re facing creditors, a persistent salesman, or a begging child. Here’s an example in response to a child asking for something at the store: “No, you can’t have that candy. It will spoil your dinner.” When a child asks again, you repeat your “mantra.” “No, you can’t have that candy. It will spoil your dinner.” Continue repeating the same response until the requester gives up. Be careful not to get sucked into emotional responses. Stay with your mantra, spoken calmly. If they can ask six times, you only need to respond seven times. That’s all it takes!
A healthy interaction is dependent on honest and straightforward dialog. Once you learn to say “no,” appropriately, you’ll find people will become more receptive to your communication, your guilt & frustration will subside and your schedule will be under your own control. Start practicing today.
